Creating your own academic timeline

by Christina Cellini, MD, FACS, FASCRS

This topic came to me during a grand rounds given by a well-known surgeon in his mid-career - henceforth will be referred to as “WKS”. I had just returned from my second three-month maternity leave in two years and was looking forward to hearing about what advice he had to give.

That morning WKS gave a talk about how he advanced academically starting from residency to his early attending years that eventually led to his promotion to associate professor. His talk was very informative, and he made a really big deal about being present for your family while trying to achieve your goals. All in all it was a thoughtful presentation. However a few things caught my attention and highlighted how everyone’s situation is unique.

One piece of advice given was that one should constantly “be writing papers” and even to “get up at 4 am before work” to write in order to fulfill that goal.

4am??? I thought back to what I was doing at four A.M. that morning. Oh right… I was nursing an infant. I’m certain that’s not something that ever stood in his way of writing papers. Oh well, no time for paper writing this morning. Maybe tomorrow.

His next piece of advice was to take advantage of all the wonderful scholarships and traveling opportunities that are catered towards young attendings under the age of 45 . He showed lovely pictures of him and his family frolicking around a foreign country that was many time zones away.

I thought- wow! I didn’t know about these awards. I should think of putting something together. Then I thought of the logistics- I don’t think I’ll be able to leave my tiny children away for that amount of time. And since these days I need to plan about an hour in advance to take both kids out to a trip to Target…. maybe in about 5-7 more years. But then I’ll be too old for these scholarships!

Finally he mentioned being involved in society meetings and to bring family along so that you can take advantages of the opportunities there while your spouse and kids go and do fun things in the area. See- you can work and spend time with your family as well! I thought- that might be doable. I did have to skip the last 2 of my society meetings because I was either too pregnant to fly safely or did not have the resources to travel with an infant. Let me ask my husband how he’d feel about watching the girls in a strange place for a week while I do my surgery thing. I texted him- I got back “absolutely not”. Apparently dealing with two cranky, nap-less, off schedule children by himself while I do my own thing most of the day was not my husband’s idea of “family fun”. He encouraged me to go alone. Now don’t get me wrong- my husband is awesome and takes care of the lion’s share of child rearing and is supportive of my career- but I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to sign up for that.

WKS had a number of great ideas that worked for him to achieve academic success so quickly in his career. I am certain there are many young surgeons - both men and women- who can achieve that as well. However, WKS had a personal situation that allowed him to flourish early on. He was able to follow the typical academic timeline that usually consists of publishing 2-3 papers/year, obtaining some sort of early career development grant or funding in the first 5 years as a means for future funding, active involvement in the ACS and specialty societies - all in addition to growing one’s clinical practice at the expected pace. With this timeline one can usually expect promotion to associate professor within five years or so. I know that I will not be able to keep up with that timeline. My path to promotion will likely take a few (or more) years longer than others. Occasionally I get antsy about it when I perceive that my peers are advancing faster than me or that I am in some way “behind”. However, I have been lucky to have colleagues and mentors that understand my need to slow down for my family and are supportive of an “extended” academic timeline to academic advancement.

Now, if you can breastfeed and write scientific papers at the same time go for it! If not, I suggest the following:

1) Take some time to really think about what your future academic goals are. Make them very discrete, not ambiguous. Also, take the time to write them down.

2) Prioritize the goals and create a timeline to go with them. Give some real thought as to how you might go about achieving these goals. Again, the more specific you are, the more likely you are to realize them.

3) Share your academic timeline with a more senior colleague or mentor. Doing so may help you identify potential opportunities or pitfalls in your strategy that you may not have considered. As always AWS members are available to help- and have likely been in your shoes at one time or another!

4) Periodically look back on what you have written and adjust as necessary. Do not feel bad or guilty if it takes longer than you thought. Try not to fall into the “keeping up with the Jones’s” trap that can be prevalent in surgery (I know I have on more than one occasion). Take the time to write down and reflect on everything that you have accomplished up to that point. Remember no accomplishment is too small! As long as you remember what’s important to you and keep your eye on the prize you will no doubt be able to balance your personal and professional life and accomplish what you have set out to do.

Readers, how have you adjusted your own professional timeline to achieve both personal and professional goals in a reasonable manner? Share your thoughts below.
 

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Dr. Christina Cellini is an Assistant Professor of Surgery and Oncology at the University of Rochester Medical Center in the Division of Colorectal Surgery. After obtaining her undergraduate and medical school degrees at Cornell University she trained in general surgery at the NewYork Presbyterian Hospital-Weill Cornell Medical Center. Following residency, she completed a fellowship in Colorectal Surgery at Washington University in St. Louis. She recently completed a Masters in Medical Management at the Simon School of Business at the University of Rochester. She lives in Webster, NY with her husband and 2 children and enjoys running and snowshoeing in her free time. Dr. Cellini serves on the AWS communication committee.

How I Make It Work

by Danielle Walsh, MD

December is the time of year when the constant struggle between the needs of work and the commitment to family become most strained. Holiday performances at school, parties for kids sports and other organizations pop up, work-related celebrations occur, and both of my children celebrate birthdays within a week of Christmas Day. After a long day of operating you try and shop online or in crowded stores before heading home to make dinner, ensure homework is done, and then proceed to whatever holiday event is scheduled for that night. It’s exhausting. But I can’t imagine it any other way.

People always ask how to make it all work. Lately, my response is more refined than in the past and it utilizes the tried and true analogy of the full bucket. You have to start with the biggest rocks. My kids’ birthdays, gymnastics meets, the annual AWS conference and a few other events are rocks. They are unmovable, non-negotiable events on my calendar. These are my biggest rocks. My OR days are Monday and Friday. My clinic days are Tuesday afternoon and Thursday morning. They are not movable and are the next size down rocks. I schedule a date night with my husband at least twice a month. Still a rock, but can fit around the other stuff. Then everything else gets filled in order of priority like the AWS, work on a grant, student and resident teaching – gravel, then sand, then water. Most of the time I try to leave pockets in “reserve” – an hour in my schedule for the gym, prayer, or just walking through a store undisturbed (my husband calls this retail therapy, even if I don’t buy anything). Often this is when I can review what the priorities are for that day or week to determine what goes in the bucket.

Sometimes the bucket overflows. I try to do too much at the same time or something unexpected causes the balance to tip. Then I call in the backup buckets – my husband, my parents, my partners, or some hired hand to take on what I can’t handle. Occasionally it means a paper is late (not unlike this blog, which I had hoped to write last week), emails get left in the inbox, and phone messages are not promptly returned. These times never feel good. I hate not being able to do it all on time. Some of the dislike is frustration of leaving others hanging, waiting for me to take action. Some of the issue is realizing that I made an error in taking on so much. But it serves a purpose – a reminder to be patient with others, accept imperfection, and continue trying to do better.

I always schedule at least some vacation time in December when the kids are off. The first day is set aside to clear out all the late assignments from work (like this blog) that will keep me giving my family my full focus. And then I sign out to my partners, turn off the beeper, set up the auto-reply for work email, and be just a mom, wife, and daughter to family for a while. It always feels good.

So as 2013 draws to a close, take a look at your bucket. What are the rocks, the stones, the pebbles, sand, and water? What can fit where and when? Find your time for work, time for family or friends, and time for yourself. May your bucket be full and satisfying.

Peace to all.

Danielle Walsh

P.S. – Didn’t get around to Christmas cards yet. Might still try to do them, but don’t hold it against me if they arrive a little late.

~~~

Dr. Danielle Walsh is an Associate Professor of Surgery at East Carolina University in the Division of Pediatric Surgery. After obtaining her undergraduate degree at Columbia College and her medical degree from the University of South Florida College of Medicine, she trained in general surgery at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. She also completed a fellowship in fetal surgery and research at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and a fellowship in pediatric surgery at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, D.C. She practiced in Jacksonville, FL holding faculty appointments at the Mayo Medical Center and University of Florida before moving to her current position in North Carolina. She is the 2013-14 President of the Association of Women Surgeons and mother of 2 children.

Pregnancy during Medical School & Residency

by Callie Thompson, MD

I have read a lot of discussions about “the right time” to have a baby during a career in medicine and most of them come to the conclusion that there is no right time. I don’t think that is really accurate. The more correct answer would be that the right time is entirely dependent on you and your situation. I feel well prepared to write this blog and give this advice because I have been pregnant during both medical school and residency (twice).

In chronological order, I will start with pregnancy during medical school. The first two years of medical school are typically spent listening to a lot of lectures and studying almost all of the time. The third year is usually heavy with clinical work and spending a lot of time in the hospital. And the fourth year is usually a few sub-internships and a lot of light rotations at your home institution. So, where would a pregnancy, birth, and caring for an infant fit in there? Again, it really depends on your situation. You have to weigh the physically demanding state of gravidity with what you will need to be doing at that time. If you are concerned about being on your feet all day, then maybe being pregnant in the first two years would work best for you. You also have to take into account the demands of a newborn/infant. If you need a lot of time to study or are not great at multitasking, then having a newborn prior to taking your USMLE Step 1 might not be the best idea for you. No matter what you decide, you must have a viable option for childcare in mind. I suggest that you do this prior to even becoming pregnant because you will need help.

Regarding taking time away from school, there are no universal rules as to how much time can be taken. This will be school dependent. You just need to make sure that you can fulfill the requirements to earn your degree. Some people choose to take an extra year and make medical school a total of five years to allow them to have their child. I do not think this is necessary for everyone and you are going to know your capabilities best. Don’t let someone push you into a 5th year just because others before you have chosen to do that.

Pregnancy in residency is a bit trickier because of the American Board of Surgery requirements for General Surgery Certification. I had a baby during clinical R3 year and another while I was out in the lab. From a time-off perspective, having a baby during your lab years is much easier. If you are NIH funded through a training grant you can have 6-8 weeks, though some lab work can be done from home so the actual time you get to spend with your newborn can actually be longer than that depending on your research. Having a baby during your clinical years requires a good understanding of “the rules.” The ABS states that:

“To be eligible for ABS certification in general surgery, the following must be completed: At least 48 weeks of full-time clinical activity in each residency year, regardless of the amount of operative experience obtained. The 48 weeks may be averaged over the first three years of residency, for a total of 144 weeks required, and over the last two years, for a total of 96 weeks required."

“For documented medical problems or maternity leave, residents may take an additional two weeks off during the first three years of residency, for a total of 142 weeks required in the first three years of training, and an additional two weeks off during the last two years of residency, for a total of 94 weeks required in the last two years of training.”

Translation: You can average your time over the first three years so, in theory, if you didn't take any other time off for three years, you could have a 14 week maternity leave. Similarly, if you didn't take any time off for vacation during your last two years, you could have a 10 week maternity leave.

In actuality, that isn't possible. For instance, you would have to know that you were going to get pregnant and have a baby during third year so that you could forgo a vacation in your first 2 years. And if you did that, you would surely go insane. So if you did take the regular 3 weeks of vacation a year, you could have an 8 week maternity leave during the year you did have the baby—as long as you don’t take any other vacation that year. A baby during the last two years is even more difficult because of the time constraints. Also, keep in mind that none of this accounts for the possibility of medical problems during the pregnancy and any time off that may need to be taken. None of this is meant to dissuade you from pregnancy during residency (see above where I state I did it twice) but knowledge is power and you have to be prepared to extend your training if you are unable to meet the ABS requirements. This is most important during the last 2 years because they have to be done in succession so if you were to get pregnant, become ill, and need extra time off during your 4th or 5th year, you may be required to start over at year 4.

This blog could end up being very long so the last topic that I will include for today is when/how to tell people when you become pregnant. I advocate telling people when you feel comfortable. For some people that is the minute you find out, for others it is after the first trimester. However, I would not wait much beyond the first trimester because arrangements will need to be made, either to your schedule if you are a student or for coverage from your co-residents if you are a resident. I also would also advise you not to tell anyone else before you tell your Dean or medical school adviser (for students) or your program director (for residents). It is best to give big, personal news yourself, and in person.

~~~ 

Callie is a resident in general surgery at the University of Washington. She completed a two-year research fellowship and is now in her fourth clinical year.  Callie aspires to be a burn and trauma surgeon and a translational scientist. Her research interests include genetic variations and their associations with the development and outcomes of disease and illness. Callie is married to an internist and has three children under the age of 7.
 

“The Advice Less Given”

by Stephanie Bonne, MD

As a relatively new mother (I have 2 boys, ages 3 and 1), I’m usually anti-advice. I often feel as if each person’s situation is unique and resources and priorities are variable, so it’s hard for anyone to give meaningful advice that fully applies to me. If you have a young family or are contemplating having a family, you have no doubt been inundated with advice from lots of very well-meaning people. Some advice is trivial (“Jen is the best Gymboree instructor!”) and some is not (“if you are going to have more than one, make sure you have them as close together/far apart as possible”), but much of it we hear over and over again. “There is no good time,” “make sure you have lots of help,” “remember to take time for yourself,” are all well-meaning, but tend to be a little vague and can mean vastly different things to different people. However, in recent months, I’ve gotten 3 pieces of parenting advice that were a bit different than the usual advice and pretty adaptable to most woman surgeons, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to share them here.

1. “Learn to let go of some stuff, but not ALL stuff.” This is a comment on balance. As a surgeon, I’m used to being in control of almost everything, but as a parent, I can’t be. This first became apparent to me when my son came home from daycare one day in a mismatched outfit my husband had put him in that morning after I had left for work. I suppressed the urge to say “You let him go to school wearing THAT?!” Having meticulously dressed children is just something I have to let go of, along with the occasional glass of non-organic milk, or extra half hour of cartoons. My first advice to young moms: Throw away the Pottery Barn Kids catalog the minute it enters your house. No four year old boy spends an afternoon quietly reclining in his sailboat-decorated bedroom, reading a Caldecott-winning book while snacking on a perfectly balanced meal from his personalized bento box (seriously, when did preschoolers start carrying bento boxes?). Now, that last statement might sound remarkably reminiscent of some jaded-but-funny suburban parenting blogs. My second bit of advice: unsubscribe from these too. True, there may be humor in highlighting all your first-world failings as a parent, or brazenly point out that your kids are still alive, in spite of your best efforts and constant feelings of failure. These blogs, however, in an attempt to use intellect to deescalate the “Pottery Barn” ideal of a perfect mom, somehow miss the mark and instead validate the very thing they are trying to dismiss. You are a surgeon; you don’t have time to get involved in the mommy wars. This means letting go of the things that don’t matter, but realizing that not everything can be marginalized, and recognizing which things do matter. Your kids need to be fed, clothed, washed, and most of all loved, but that’s just the start – they DO need intellectual stimulation, bedtime stories, play time, social interaction, and swimming lessons. You can’t cast these things off as insignificant in the life of a child, but you also don’t have the time to place too much importance on each of your child’s experiences being perfectly orchestrated to be both stimulating and meaningful. Balance.
2. “Teach your kids, right from the start, about what you do and why it is important.” My experience with this has been short so far, but I do tell my son when I leave for call that I have to go to the hospital to help take care of sick people. Naturally, after a few times, he mustered a fake little cough and said “but I’m sick too.” I think every doctor-parent has a story like this, and yes, it is heartbreaking. But my husband and I reinforce what I do and why it is important and I think my son does understand. He will ask me when I come home the next day if I fixed the hole in someone’s tummy, and burst out an encouraging “great job, mommy!” when I say yes. When I recently went to DC for the AWS and ACS meetings, he asked me if people in Washington DC have holes in their tummies too. I’m sure the day is coming when I will miss a big soccer game or first music recital, but knowing that they understand what I do will help them. Sometimes, reminding myself of the importance of my work helps me too. 
3. “Take time for you and your partner, and do it guilt-free.” This is a variation on the date-night advice, but the key here is doing it guilt-free. This came up last spring after my parents were graciously willing to watch the kids for a few days so my husband and I could have a little getaway. Afterwards, I was recounting our trip on two separate occasions to some older, wiser women when they pointed out that I was making excuses for why we didn’t take the kids on our trip. Both encouraged me to never feel guilty for the time I spend away from the kids, pointing out that having two parents who live together, and furthermore, love each other, is far more important to them than the couple of days spent away from us. I think there is balance here too – we can’t jet away together every weekend, but we can do it within reason and should do it from time to time. For different couples, this will look different – to some, it’s going on long walks or runs together, for others it’s a monthly date night, for others it’s a weekend away once a year. Whatever it is, it’s helping you stay together, so make it a priority, but the real point is - don’t feel bad about it.

Props to the awesome women who gave me this advice – some of you will be reading this, and you know who you are. For the rest of us, take the advice that is given to you gracefully – remember, advice is rarely given in a malicious spirit, and most of your advice-givers really do have your best interest at heart. But take each piece and either toss it later, or process it and make it fit for you, and if it’s really good, pass it on later.

~~~

Stephanie Bonne is an Assistant Professor in Trauma, Acute, and Critical Care Surgery at Washington University in St. Louis. Her husband, Jeremy, is a trademark attorney for Anheuser-Busch. She has two sons, Evan, 3, and Colin, 1.

Family Life

by Jennifer Knight, MD, FACS

I picked this topic because for me, Family Life is a work in progress and sometimes putting thought into something you are working on often allows for enlightenment. As a surgeon, the idea of work life balance is a moving target. I struggle with it most days, but recently a colleague of mine told me that they wished that they could master the work life balance like I had. Master seemed a strong word!  There are things I have mastered; work life balance is not one of them. But I think because I do “try” perhaps that’s as close to mastering, as I will get. I though maybe I’d list a few things that I do as my attempt to try.

1. You need a team. A friend, who is not a surgeon, pointed out to me that I need a team of people in the operating room to ensure that my cases go smoothly and efficiently. Why didn’t I have the same type of team for home? Would a team help my home run smoothly and efficiently as well? So I got a team! I already had a nanny but added someone to clean by house, I signed up for after school play dates, and developed an arrangement with a caterer for parties and functions. 
2. Facebook. Everyone has an opinion about personal pages on Facebook. I find that I can use Facebook to stay involved with friends and relatives. I can post pictures of my family and send birthday wishes to friends. When I am able to meet face to face, I don’t need to “catch up” as much.  And while I am a peripheral user, a select “like” or “comment” lets other people know I am still around and care.
3. Plan ahead. I clearly communicate to everyone that if they want me to participate, I need 3-6 months advance notice. I’ve been able to go on class trips with my son, plan weekend get-away with girlfriends, and make most birthday parties. My friends have commented that planning in advance has helped them be more organized as well.
4. Have a good partner. My husband is also a surgeon and has a high level administrative job in our hospital system. We have to have great communication about each other’s schedules. But he is equal parent. He likes doing laundry and I like yard work. We complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses and both give 100%.
5. Mow the grass. Maybe not literally. But I love mowing the grass. And while I have a “team”, the one job around the house that I love is mowing grass. I put on my headphones and put my John Deere into drive and have great personal quiet time attacking the lawn. The point is, make sure you have alone time and if that alone time contributes to the family in some way, even better.
6. Family-friendly and fun-friendly are two different things.  I have friends and work partners who are single. Make sure that your focus on family life doesn’t trump your friends or work partners needs or plans as well.  

This is not a perfect and complete list but each of these things have helped me. Your family life is YOUR family life. Make it what you want it to be.

What tips do you have that help balance your work life and your family life? 

~~~

Jennifer Knight, MD, FACS is an Assistant Professor of Surgery at West Virginia University. She serves on the AWS Communications Committee. 

Interview with Dr. Julie A. Freischlag

by Bharti Jasra, MD

A while back, there once was a little girl in Illinois who impressed everyone with her extraordinary performance at school. Her grandfather told her that when she grew up, people would tell her what she could or couldn't do. "There is nothing that I can't do," her grandfather said. "Is all you need to tell them all."

That little girl grew up to be the great vascular surgeon whom we know as Dr. Julie A. Freischlag. She is an internationally renowned expert in thoracic outlet syndrome. She became the first woman director of the Department of Surgery at Johns Hopkins in its 110 year history. She served as President of the Society of Vascular Surgery from 2012 to 2013. In 2012 she was elected Chair of the Board of Regents of the American College of Surgeons. In addition, she has held leadership positions in many leading surgical societies and serves on the editorial board of several surgical journals. In February 2014 she will join the University of California, Davis as Vice Chancellor for Human Health Sciences and Dean of the UC Davis School of Medicine.

I had the opportunity to interview this great leader and ask a few questions that I thought might benefit our Association of Women Surgeons members.

Q: What role did AWS play in your career?
A: I was one of the first few resident members of AWS. It was really nice at that time to know that there were other women in the surgical community that I could look up to for guidance. Also in early years of my career it helped me as a forum for networking. It was at AWS meetings that I met Dr. Patricia Numann for the first time, and we became good friends in the next 20 years.

Q: Do administrative positions adversely affect clinical duties?
A: I spend 60% of my time in departmental work and whereas only 40% in teaching and clinical duties. As a department chair one has to work for the department and not just for yourself.

Q: Is it essential to have additional degrees like an MBA to hold a leadership position?
A: It is not required to have additional degree but there are several leadership courses offered by ACS and AAMC which could be useful. I myself benefited from the ELAM course and highly recommend it.

Q: Do you think that you had a different set of challenges being a woman?
A: It's quite lonely up there at that level since there are not many of you. Women are underrepresented not just in medical community but in legal and business communities as well. It's easy to get noticed since there are not many of you at that level. At the same time it gives you a unique opportunity to represent interests of an underrepresented class and most effective use of this opportunity is essential.

Q: Do you wish you had more time to spend with your family?
A: I am blessed with a caring husband and loving children. As surgeons we like to stay busy and I have no regrets as I have been able to find time for my family for the most part. I try to go to my son's sporting events and recitals. Also I try to limit my travel for work as much as possible.

Dr. Fresichlag with her son and husband during Parents Day at the University of Maryland

Q: What is the key to happiness?
A: Staying in touch with yourself and your family is the key to happiness.

Q: What do you do to rejuvenate after work?
A: I am a swimmer and use the pool in our backyard. Also I walk try to walk few miles a day.

Q: What is your opinion on infertility among women in surgery?
A: I believe it has been a problem, but we are heading toward better times. My own residents now are having kids during residency, and it’s only going to get better in the future.

Dr. Freischlag with her family at the Ravens-Packers game   

Q: What challenges do you foresee in this new leadership role at UC Davis?

A: I am very excited to learn more about something other than surgery, especially healthcare delivery and medical education among the Hispanic population.

Q: Any message for AWS members?

A: We are very lucky to be surgeons, and we should enjoy every part of it at all levels, whether we are residents or in practice. 

~~~

Bharti Jasra, M.D. is a medical graduate from India finishing up her General Surgery Residency at Saint Louis University Hospital. She is interested in pursuing Breast Surgical Oncology training in the year 2014.

Unconventional: Our Couple's Match Story

by Brittany Bankhead-Kendall, M.D., M.Sc.

Match Day 2012 was supposed to be the best day of our lives. Or one of them, at least. But it was so, so not. Monday morning my husband and I left our respective rotations around 11:45am and hopped into our SUV in the hospital parking lot in anticipation of the noon email saying we had matched. We wanted to celebrate that together. My email came: "Congratulations! You have matched to a one year preliminary position." I was devastated. But it got worse. My husband's email came: "We're sorry, you have not matched to any positions."

Can that happen? Did that just happen? I didn't think that was possible. Our numbers were right. We had plenty of interviews. We were matching Emergency Medicine (him) and Surgery (me). A difficult match, but not an impossible one. Right?

He was the better candidate, but we thought Surgery was the harder match. So at match choice #18, after all of our same city match choices, we listed a match-no match option. The thought was that in this certain city we chose, surely he could find something to do for a year. A big city, close to my family, lots of options. We assumed he would at the very least be able to find a preliminary surgery spot at one of the four hospitals in the area. Prelim surgery spots aren't hard to find, right?

We drove straight from the hospital parking lot to a McDonalds and hooked up the laptop and filled out his SOAP application. He applied to all the Surgery Prelim spots in my city (the NRMP will tell a couple, in a match-no match situation, the city of your match). Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday came; no interviews, no offers. Match Day came and went, we "celebrated" at home with our baby boy and my parents, and occasional tears.

Then we looked for research positions for the year for him. And... Nothing. We tried, we weren't even picky. But he was over or under qualified for anything we found.

Then one day, out of the blue, he got an email inviting him to interview across the country for a position in Emergency Medicine. He got the position. And yet we struggled with it. Was this a temptation that he should pass on? Was this a blessing? Was it great for his career at the expense of our family? Would we be able to survive without each other? Could I be a surgery intern, with our BABY, without him?

Ultimately, he took the position. We're tough. Yes, he and I are tough. But what I also mean is that we women physicians are tough. We're a different breed, I think. No one can tell us no. No one can put anything in our path too great to achieve our goals. No one can tell us we can't love our job and love our child. No one can tell us we can't do it without certain features of our home life lined up. We can do it.

It's hard every day. That I won't deny. It's hard being away from my best friend and confidante; the person I want to vent to and hug and go on dates with and share in our son's new milestones and that he finally says "Mama." It's hard being a "single" parent. It's hard knowing my son is not with his mom or his dad 24-7. It's hard when your child reaches for their grandmother for comfort when they fall and you are both standing there. And oh yeah- it's hard being a surgical intern, period.

But I'm blessed. We're blessed. Training looks different for everyone (we went to a school where our basic sciences were in the Caribbean; more on that another day). Life looks different for everyone. Just because it's different doesn't make it wrong or weird or not doable. We've learned a lot along the way, and talk about it a lot (when our shifts don't overlap, that is). I'll sum it up for you, in case it would help anyone else along the way . . .

1. Don't be too proud to apply to different locations if you're couple's matching. You'd rather be a doctor in a different geographical location than not-a-doctor in the same location.

2. Surgical preliminary spots aren't as easy to get into as you might think. I think that's the going rate for almost any residency these days.

3. There's lots of spots outside the match that you don't hear about unless you look for them in the right places. Look on your specialty's program director website (a good place to start) to see if there are open positions outside the match.

4. Don't panic if things don't go how you saw them. Where there's a will, there's a way. Don't let anyone tell you something isn't possible.

5. Family comes first, but deciding to be apart doesn't mean they don't still come first. Don't feel bad for choosing it. It doesn't mean you ranked them of less importance. It just means your story looks different.

6. Speaking of stories: Life looks different for everyone. You can use yucky situations for learning and growing, or for being miserable. It's a choice.

7. When you rank programs, go where you love. The rest will fall into place.

Of note- at the time of publication of this blog, my husband has an interview for an open PGY1 EM position that came available in late July right down the street at a phenomenal academic center.

Either way, we know what we've learned through all this.

Either way, we're good.

What obstacles have you overcome to achieve success? Do you have any words of advice for surgeons or aspiring surgeons who are going through a difficult time? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

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Brittany Bankhead-Kendall, M.D, M.Sc. is a PGY1 general surgery resident at Methodist Dallas Medical Center. She obtained her M.D. from Ross University School of Medicine, M.Sc. from Barry University in Biomedical Science, and studied Biomedical Science and Spanish at Texas A&M University. She enjoys being a surgical intern and mentoring medical students. In her personal time she enjoys spending time with her husband and son, interior design, international travel, and Texas Aggie football.